..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
