So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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