this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
worst night to have a conscience
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
