drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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