Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
