No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
