Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
