I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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