I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
