she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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