One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
