Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
