dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
