Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
