I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
