I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
