Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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