I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
In other news, I just burned my penis
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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