Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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