so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
