Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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