he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
