god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
