He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
