oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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