Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
