I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
