even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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