he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
