I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
this boner is exhausting
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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