I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
