she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
