I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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