I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
