i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
