Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh god it's open bar.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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