when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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