It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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