When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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