Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
