Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
