So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The beer is more important than you right now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
