So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
