i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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