If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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