woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
