Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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