I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I supernannyed him into submission
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
