I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
