I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
