Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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