wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
