The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
FUCK WHALES
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