Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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