I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
