I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
