life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
