Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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